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http://www.flickr.com/photos/laurencm/

4tuneately

don't take it too seriously. don't think i'm pledging anything.

quickly i've been taken captive by strong arms; it's brotherly. the kind of thing that makes me feel like i'm part of humankind. something that makes me quit acting tough. a bond thats just enough to make me re-think my thoughts on sexuality.

SO

thanks for being there, thanks for petting my hair.

and thanks for treating my fairly, thanks for barely knowing me.

thanks for taking time to look me square in the face and thanks for making me quit when i'm already wasted.

deities/diets

 half awake, i smelt myself. drawing in long breaths: the scent of my own shampoo, the aroma of my own salty skin. i was just about to fall in love with myself.
answering a telephone call, i broke my silence. the first auditory experience of my day sounded like my own voice. it was dry and it was desperate. "how's it going, brother?"

 we talked for a half an hour. the usual pleasantries turned into a cross-examination of the broom and the vacuum. my god. MY GOD. these are the things that we live for, now. adulthood. isn't it great? drinking until i've got just enough courage to yell at anyone who might offend me. smoking until you smell like a tar pit.
           and fighting!
 sometimes we pretend not to fight. not fighting to declare who is stronger. strength is determined by whoever won't fight. everyone has turned into each other. i can't focus. nobody's touching me. rubbing and scratching, i'll take care of myself this way.
i wanted a protector but i ended up playing father for a young girl. she needed it. i've convinced myself, she needed it. but now she'll be gone again. deemed too crazy to stay at home, they've got her in a hospital. fucking hospitals. hit me so it hurts. nono, hit me so i'm too numb to feel the next hit. hit me so my face breaks. hit me til i'm sent to a hospital. i'll give those doctors a piece of my mind. nobody's sick here. stop prescribing and diagnosing. let it go. let mother nature handle it. those who are weak will die.
i could never be a mother to her. i could never be a mother. i play father like i wanted mine to be.

it's so fucking backwards, isn't it?

whore's shower.

Turning the other cheek, I've found total control. I am more powerful and potent than thou. How much of it is tolerance and how much of it is make-believe? Taking time to listen, I let my voice fall just above a whisper and I turn red. 

My vengeance is failure. Like feeding a black hole, I stood on the edge and watched things turn into no-things. Inside is empty. The doctor told her she's "pink inside". The doctor told me to relax, to talk to someone. Potency is both terrifying and attractive. Considering vasectomies, two men shared vague sex stories. Pulling out. Pulling out. Pulling out.

"Come over and shoot the shit" I'm one of the boys. Shit-talking.

I don't care how I look anymore. I know. Men think we're smart but they still treat us like porcelain.

Twenty forever, a fear of aging. Not afraid of death, afraid of myself. Growing into something like a witch, something like succubus, or a goddess of wrath. 

TERRIBLE and GREAT.

P.I.T.A.

i don't know what i'm doing anymore, but i'll keep doing it. watching old movies, watching twilight zone episodes, listening to oldies, and listening to the sound of walls. i moved again. i'm building a shrine. i inherited a pet snake. skylights, a garage door, a floral couch. i've been thinking. i've been alone. i've had company. i need a permanent solution.